Life isn't Anime
by yggnomial
Summary: One-shot / Konata has a brief thought, wondering if real life is really just the plot for an anime. That thought evolves into serious debate amongst all the girls, eventually turning into nothing but an excuse.


I knew needed to write something after a hand injury healed, and finally forced myself onto Word. After staring blankly with no ideas, _Motteke! Sailor Fuku _came up on my shuffled playlist and I started typing. The idea moved on from there.

"Hey Kagami, do you ever wonder what life would be like if this were really a manga or an anime?"

"Not really, I don't think normal people would think about something like that," she replied to Konata, barely glancing up from her book. "Right now most people are more concerned with grades and exams than anime."

"But don't you think that's a problem?" Konata asked, her voice rising slightly as she leaned in closer. "The Japanese people should be more concerned about their lives and anime. This is a great way to worry about both."

Kagami sighed and put down her book. "No, see, if they were to be more concerned with their lives like you say, they wouldn't be watching anime, they'd be studying. Something you should be doing."

"Oh, don't worry, I get plenty of studying done," Konata said, digging through her backpack. She proudly showed off a handheld game system when she found it.

"I don't think a DS quiz game counts as studying," Kagami sighed, while giving Konata a blank stare.

Konata felt it lifted from her hand, and looked behind her to see who took it. "What's this, Izumi? New game?" Nanako Kuroi asked.

"Oh, hey Ma'am," Konata said, rubbing the back of her neck. "Yeah, according to my game, my IQ is above average for my age. Do you think maybe you can agree with it and just pass me for the next test?"

"Well, maybe I could use that to tell your grades," she said in mock thought. "But that's not what the school looks for, and maybe if you'd do a little better on your homework we wouldn't even be worrying about that." She moved to walk back to her desk, game successfully confiscated for the day.

"Oh wait, Ma'am!" Konata called before she could leave. "Could you answer a question Kagami and I were discussing? Do you think we might really just be characters in an anime, and just don't know it?"

"I don't remember 'us' discussing that," Kagami pointed out, but Konata ignored her, too enthusiastic about her question.

Ms. Kuroi glanced up in thought. "Well, I was hoping it would be something related to school. But I guess I can't leave that unanswered. If this really were an anime, I don't think it would be based around school. You spend more time playing online games than doing schoolwork, so maybe it's a gamer anime."

"Oh, so you mean this could really be 'The World'?" Konata asked excitedly. "Dibs on the Blademaster!"

Kagami yanked her back into a sitting position by the collar. "That's not what she said. Try listening a bit harder, it'll help you during lectures."

"So you mean it's not about games? Then what else is there?" Konata asked. "It's not action, so maybe romance. You'd make a great tsundere love interest, Kagamin," she teased.

"There's not enough romance in our lives for that," she replied, ignoring her prodding. "And just how many guys do we know? It's not exactly an option when you consider that."

"Oh, but you don't need guys for a successful romance anime," Konata said, grinning mischievously and holding Kagami around the waist. "Aren't the two of us enough?" Kagami angrily started pushing Konata away, embarrassed at Konata acting like that in class, and looked up to see her teacher blankly staring at the wall.

"Ms. Kuroi, are you okay?" she asked, trying to ignore the girl latched to her middle.

Kagami's question brought her back to her senses, and she looked down at her. "Ha! Romance anime, like we need one of those, right?" She laughed off the thought. "We don't need men to live good lives, right girls?"

"Of course not, Ma'am," Konata said, finally releasing Kagami to give her teacher a thumbs-up. "We have games to feel successful, right?"

"That's not exactly what I was getting at, but at least you got my point." She turned her back to leave. "You girls continue your conversation, I still have homework to grade. Izumi, see me at the end of the day about this," as she held Konata's game up.

"So Kagami, what anime do you think we are?" Konata asked again.

Kagami put her book in her bag and got ready to return to her classroom. "It's good to see you're finally listening to a teacher, but maybe you should consider that we aren't fictional characters and get some studying in before class starts. You've still got a couple minutes to look over stuff; maybe you'll remember something and Ms. Kuroi asks about it, you'll at least look smart then."

"Well I could've done that," Konata pouted as she leaned on the desk. "But you made me take the game out and Ms. Kuroi took it, so it's your fault I can't study."

Kagami didn't bother responding to her blame, and left to go to her own class.

* * *

Konata, Kagami, Tsukasa, and Miyuki had just sat down for lunch, after buying what they wanted. There wasn't much conversation, so Konata decided to bring up a topic she was sure would keep them talking until their break ended. "Miyuki, Tsukasa, can I ask you a question that's been bothering me? Say for example life is actually an anime, what kind do you think it is?"

Kagami set down her chopsticks in irritation. "Konata, do you really have to bring this up while we're eating? Have you really been thinking about this instead of your classwork?"

"Of course I was, this is far more important than something I'd learn in school, right guys?" She turned to Tsukasa and Miyuki. They both looked as if they were struggling for an answer that wouldn't directly insult Konata.

Miyuki spoke first. "Well, I can't say I'm an expert when it comes to anime, but you do pose an interesting question. First you'd have to ask whether or not life is one, correct? If we aren't living fictional lives, it would be impossible to tell what kind it is."

Tsukasa held both fists to her chest and nodded quickly. "Yeah, if this is real life you can't tell what kind of story it would be, because it isn't a story. Like if you were to ask what kind of video game baseball is, and you couldn't because baseball isn't a video game."

"But you could, because it would be a sports game," Konata held up her finger as she said, as if it was important. "I'm not exactly saying we do live in an anime, I'm just asking a what-if. Look at what we do all day and guess what our anime would focus on, and from there we'll guess the kind of anime."

_At least now she's admitting that life might not be an anime_, Kagami thought. _But she's insisting so much, maybe I should be worried? No, it's Konata, this is probably normal for her. _"So Konata, what do _you _think this would be? You're the anime expert here, why do you have to ask Miyuki and Tsukasa?"

"Oh, are you interested in what we're talking about now, Kagami?"

"No, not really, I'm just trying to save Miyuki and Tsukasa from your question." She looked down and sighed again, hoping she had successfully distracted her from the more confused members of the conversation.

Miyuki spoke next. "Actually, Konata-san poses an interesting question. Hypothetical situations are good for developing your critical thinking and logic skills, and shows that one has an inquisitive mind."

"Alright, Yuki-chan! Way to save it!" Konata pumped her fist into the air. "So, what's your answer?"

Miyuki, who had only thought about not dashing Konata's hopes of an answer, had not thought too much about the question. "Well, we first need to assume that this really is an anime, and then figure out who the targeted audience is."

"We're all girls here, so it would be an anime for girls, right?" Tsukasa asked. "I don't think too many boys would want to watch something about girls."

"Nope, you're wrong there, Tsukasa," Konata said, shaking her head. "There are lots of shows with mostly girls that guys like. Say if we all had figures like Miyuki, and we all knew karate, then lots of guys would watch!"

"But we don't, so stop acting like such a pervy old man," Kagami said. "We're all normal high school girls, and none of us currently have boyfriends so there's no romance. It's probably your typical slice of life."

Konata exaggerated her shock. "Woah, you actually thought about it? And here I thought you were just a cold, lonely girl inside, bent on crushing the innocent dreams of a girl only wanting a bit of fantasy in her life."

"It's not so innocent if you're thinking anything like those Dating Sims you play. But how is this fantasy? It's not as if anyone in this school is a time traveller or an alien. Saying that life is like an anime isn't going to change that."

"How about a transfer student?" Konata asked. "That's strange and mysterious, but it could still happen."

"A student transferring to this school wouldn't exactly be unusual," Miyuki cut in. "We have several students here already from all over the world, and I don't think any of them are that mysterious."

"Oh, Yuki-chan, why did you have to destroy my dreams like that?" Konata sulked and hung over the desk again. The school bell interrupted her moment of depression.

"Oh, lunch is over, guys," Tsukasa panicked. "We're gonna be late if we don't get to class!"

"Just forget about what Konata said and get to class," Kagami told her. "There's plenty of time for you to go, just leave her here for now. She'll come back to reality eventually."

* * *

School had ended for the day, and everyone had gathered at Kagami's house in two study groups. Kagami and Tsukasa were begging Kagami for the answers to the homework, while the oblivious Miyuki tried to explain the questions to them, not understanding that's not what they wanted. Ayano and Misao, feeling awkward since Kagami was focused on someone else, did their work next to them, joining their conversation only when necessary.

On the other side of the room, the underclassmen had their own method of studying. Minami and Yutaka were studying together, while Hiyori was becoming more and more ashamed of herself as her notebook gained more doodles of the two of them together. Patty, to Hiyori's shame, was encouraging her and commenting on how great her quick sketches were, trying to convince her to transfer remade versions to her sketchbook.

Kagami had finally gotten Konata to stop nagging at her for a full minute, when Konata spoke again. She opened her mouth, ready to tell her to do her own work, but Konata was more interested in stalling than asking for homework answers. She raised her voice so that the group across the room could hear.

"Hey guys, if we were a slow-paced manga, what kind of characters do you think we'd be?" Kagami was amazed that Konata had come this far from her basic thought of real life being a lie, and was now determining that cast. But she wouldn't admit that to her, especially since it was just a tactic to not do her work.

"Just ignore her," Kagami said loudly. "She's only trying to get out of doing her-" She was cut off by Hiyori.

"That's a fun question, sounds better than doing this homework. But why something slow?"

"Yeah, it'd be more fun to think about if we were in something better," Patty argued. "Something with fights and huge mecha, or magic and romance."

"No, this wasn't my decision. Earlier today our very own Kagami here decided that we'd be a slice of life." She held up her hand near Kagami's head, as if showcasing her to a crowd. "Aren't you proud of her for thinking about that so seriously?"

"Way to go, Hiiragi!" Hiyori praised.

"Yeah, good call on the genre," Patty agreed. Kagami looked down, wondering why she had to speak and get herself into such a mess.

"Oh, Onee-chan, since you asked, what kind of character do you think you'd be?" Yutaka asked, cocking her head to the side slightly in a puppy-like fashion.

Konata put her hand to her chin and thought for a brief moment. "There's no doubt about it! I'd be the main character." Kagami gave her a questioning look, but no one actually asked about it. She struck a dramatic pose, one hand on her hip, the other pointing to thin air. "The show's fangirls would see me and want to be me instantly, posting on image boards and forums everywhere how similar they are to me, when they really know they can't hope to match me. Just liking a few series doesn't make you an otaku, you have to broaden your horizon much further!"

"Why don't you try broadening your horizon enough to see the homework you're trying to ignore," Kagami told her as she pulled her down by the arm.

"Well, how do you think you'd appeal to the fan base?" she asked her. "Do you think you'd be even more popular than me?"

"No, because this isn't an anime. Stop trying to avoid the real world and its consequences."

"I vote her as the tsundere," Misao said. "All shows need one of those, right?"

"She's got the hairstyle for it," Hiyori pointed out.

"Yeah, and the perfect tsuntsun attitude, unless we're talking about love," Konata said, just loud enough for everybody in the room to hear.

"Can we change the topic to something other than this? It's embarrassing and really irritating," Kagami said, face slightly red.

"Okay then, we'll pick who Yutaka and Minami are," she decided, pointing to the girls sitting next to each other.

"Wha- us?" Yutaka asked. She fidgeted when everyone looked at them, and said "Umm, I don't think we'd really fit in an anime."

"Of course you two would fit," Hiyori said, showing a homework page with several rough doodles of the two sitting together. "Right out of a seinen manga." She laughed right after, hoping the two didn't understand what her verbal slip could mean.

"So if Yu-chan's the loli, then what does that make Minami-chan?" Konata asked her.

"I'm gonna let you guys finish talking about this one," Hiyori said, scratching her cheek. She didn't want to say anything that could make the pair mad at her.

"You're really, really cool, Minami, I think you'd be a great character," Yutaka beamed. Her eyes sparkled with admiration. Hiyori was muttering something incoherent to herself, her face in her notebook, pencil moving wildly.

"No, I doubt I'd be anything special," Minami said, looking to the side. "I don't have many special talents, and I'm a bit lacking physically…." She trailed off, looking down at her chest.

"But you're just like me in that regard," Konata cheerfully said. "Your chest only makes you that much closer to the main character." She arched her back, puffing her flat chest into the air proudly. Minami looked down further, silent, and Yutaka giggled awkwardly.

"Oh, Kona-chan, what about me?" Tsukasa poked her arm and asked. "Who would I be?"

"You and Miyuki would be kind of the same. But you've got the cute appeal from being a little sister, while Yuki-chan is a goddess of Moe."

"So I'm cute because I'm Kagami's little sister?" Konata nodded.

"But I have to disagree with you, Konata," Miyuki said quietly. "I don't think I'm as cute as you say. I feel I'd be rather bland, and not very important."

"What do you think about that, Konata?" Patty asked. "I think she'd get at least a few fans," she said suggestively.

"Yeah, I know what you mean." Konata said this to Patty, but she was very obviously staring at Miyuki's chest. "Someone definitely has a chance at popularity through fanservice." Miyuki blushed and stuttered too much to form a reply. "Well, I think I know who you'd be, Patty."

"Oh, really? Who's that?" She sat up straighter to better hear her role.

"When our show reaches foreign countries, which I'm sure it will," she said that part with a boastful tone, "the viewers there will envy you. Coming from a distant country to our great land of games and anime, knowing enough to make it into our school, being welcomed by actual Japanese girls instead of shunned like they are online." No one questioned her, either agreeing that anime was a good way to spend time, too nervous about telling her she was wrong, or too ashamed to be the same species.

"That means last is Hiyori." Konata pointed to her. "What would you be?"

"I wouldn't really want to be a character in a show, I'd rather be the writer or animator for it, or be in charge of a manga adaptation." She stopped sketching to say this.

"Oh, Tamura-san, what's that you're drawing?" Yutaka asked while leaning over to try and see. Hiyori immediately clutched it to her chest, keeping it a secret.

"It's not done yet, and I really don't want people to see it before then. You know, embarrassing about how bad it is," she laughed.

"Yeah, I'm sure it is an embarrassment," Konata joked under her breath.

"When you're done with it, can I see?" Yutaka asked, eyes practically sparkling from the wonder of what could be so great that she wants to hide it. Hiyori nodded nervously, and gulped, reminding herself to draw a different picture before showing the innocent-minded girl.

"Hey, you haven't mentioned us yet!" Misao fumed. "Ayano and I, who are we?"

"Oh, sorry, I guess I forgot to let you in on the joke," Konata grinned. At their puzzled faces, she replied, "You two aren't really that important, no noteworthy roles for you. That's why I didn't mention you, because the main character doesn't see you as necessary."

Ayano smiled, embarrassed that Konata said that about them so openly. Misao was angrier than that. "What do you mean 'not important'? We're Hiiragi's friends, and you're Hiiragi's friend. Doesn't that give us some kind of bonus?" She looked to Kagami for back up. She only slammed her book down on the table and raised her voice so they could hear her.

"It's getting late, and our parents will be home soon. I don't know how many of you actually got your work done, so good luck finishing on your own." She stored her homework in her backpack smugly.

"I'm done too, and my mother is waiting for me," Miyuki told them as she stood. "I'd better get going."

"I'm not too concerned," Konata smiled. "This isn't the first time I haven't finished my homework, probably won't be the last." Everyone packed up and left Kagami and Tsukasa's house, some of them dreading the following day and hoping they could finish in time.

* * *

"No homework again, Izumi?" Ms. Kuroi asked the next day. "You're going to fail if you keep this up."

"Wait Ma'am, don't mark that down as a zero yet!" she said quickly, holding her hand out. "I have a reason this time."

"A reason? This had better be good."

Konata grinned, knowing she had the perfect original excuse that couldn't be proven wrong. "Yeah, see, I was doing my homework like I was supposed to. But then I just couldn't finish. The writer thought it would be funnier if I didn't do it."


End file.
